Tell Me Why

The last month has been rough on my poor little Renne. She's had 3 colds, several fevers, and caught a really awful virus that had us extremely worried. She was completely zoned out for a few solid days, moaning and crying, and if you any of you know Renne, she is always on the go, so we knew it was serious. Surprisingly, when we took her for an x-ray to see if she had pneumonia, the doctor told us that she had a broken collar bone!! You can imagine the horror, guilt, and heart break I was feeling at that moment. It was awful. It had been broken for an entire week, and we had no idea. It was bizarre, because she definitely showed no signs it was broken. When we poked around her arm, she wouldn't even flinch or react. She had had a small tumble down the stairs, but we saw her land, and she was completely fine after crying for just a few minutes. Sidenote: I have also broken several bones in the lamest ways as a young girl. I broke my collar bone 3 times, my arm once, fractured my tailbone and my ankle. Sorry Renne! Anyway, once I realized she wasn't in much pain, but probably just discomfort, I was able to accept the fact that she broke a bone, at the tender age of 1, while under my watch and care. It took a lot of convincing from Tim that I am not an awful mother. You mothers who have felt this guilt, know exactly what I am talking about. "Make sure you don't throw her down the stairs anymore, Ashton" said my Grandma. Haha, ok, I'll try not to next time. (sick empty feeling in my stomach). confessions of an unfit mother? Ok, enough with the pity party…

I know kids get hurt, and we can't control it always. However, the guilt we feel as mothers stems deeper than just this. It comes from every time they hit or throw a tantrum, and every time you have to say, "No, she's not walking yet" when people ask. You feel it after each time you tell yourself you need a break. How could you ever want to take a break from the most important thing in the world?? And it's not just guilt. It's an amazing, overwhelming love that aches inside when you look at your baby and think, She's mine. i am her guide. I am the one responsible for her entire life. Those are major, BIG thoughts. And they are wonderful, but also terrifying. I pray all the time to be the best mom for Renne. To love her exactly how she needs to be loved. He did send her to me, after all. He trusts me, and that helps me trust myself. Sometimes I have no idea what I am doing, and I really hate that feeling, but it is all part of the journey. Every time I tell her,"I'm trying to help you" "Just wait, this will be over soon" or "No, that will hurt you, stay away from there", I can hear Heavenly Father's voice. It's amazing what I learn about him through talking to her.

This reminds me of my favourite song I sing to Renne most nights. It's a Low family favourite called Tell Me Why. We always used to sing it around the campfire and at family reunions. It might not sound like a love song, but I love it so much I had some of my cousins sing it at our wedding. To me, the songs means we don't know all the answers to our questions, the whys to God's plan for us. But we know he created this world, he created each of us and so we need to trust him. The last verse always helps me know that no matter how many bones Renne may break, I can love her the best.

Tell me why the ivy twines

Tell me why the stars do shine

Tell my why the sky's so blue

And I will tell you just why I love you

Because God made the ivy twine

Because God made the stars to shine

Because God made the sky so blue

Because God made you, that's why I love you

I really think that dear God above

Created you just for me to love

He picked you out from all the rest

Because he knew that i'd love you the best.