Utah Trip

In October we were so blessed to be able to go to Utah for a whole week!! We got to go to conference, see some football, do some shopping, explore Park City and of course spend some really great quality time with lots of family. Renne absolutely loved seeing her cousins, and I was in heaven with all the willing hands to help entertain her. 

Cooper is the sweetest, doting babysitter. He was so concerned about Renne, and would take her and play with her for hours. She thought it was the best thing. I love seeing cousins play together. I wish the Whiddens all lived closer. We cherished the time we got with Ben and Andrea and the kids. I seriously owe them my life for all the babysitting they did for us!

Cooper and Renne cuddling 

This is Renne's "smile" lately. Love my crazy girl

Temple Square visit

My girl and I at the temple

We stayed in Park City with Nana and Papa, and it was such a treat for Renne to have them to herself before they left on their mission. I am so thankful she got that quality time with them. 

I need to frame this one!

Look at them! I'm so lucky!

Yes, it must be said - I was as tired as I look. That's a preggo-Ash face right there. I can't believe how much it changes me. I like to think that i'm giving all my health, beauty, BRAINS and energy to the baby :) It's really flown by this time, but it is still a trial for me. It took me along time to admit that without feeling embarrassed. Despite not feeling super energetic, we were able to get done most of what was on our "list", and do pretty much all that we wanted. Renne was a great sport in the car, and I am so thankful we got to do a trip just our family of 3. Tim is so helpful and the best daddy. I couldn't have another one this soon without him. He is my rock.

Beautiful Park City in the fall

My busy girl, always on the go!

Spending an entire week with Daddy was the best treat!!

Riding the gondola

BYU football

"quick Timmy, we need a picture" - haha!

our pathetic attempt at a selfie?...

There is nothing like being in the conference centre. The spirit is so strong, and hearing those messages was such a boost for me. It was the nicest luxury to be able to spend that quality time with Tim away from Renne. I really needed it. We were able to see two sessions together - Saturday and Sunday morning, and Tim got to go to Priesthood with both his dad and my dad. They even made it into a picture of some men in the ensign!

We also got to do a temple session in the Salt Lake Temple, which is something i've been wanting to do forever. It was amazing. That place is ginormous and I couldn't get over how organized everything was. I got lost a few times! There's so much going on, and everything is much bigger scale, it was easy to take a wrong turn. The change rooms alone were a maze! It was so neat to think that I could've been sitting in the same seat President Monson did last time he did a session! The spirit was so special in there. 

Jocelyn's Wedding

I am so happy for these two! They make such a perfect match, I love them together! Eric is one of the sweetest guys I've ever known, and we are all so happy and blessed he's part of the family. When they dated the first time, a few years back, I had such a strong feeling about them, and knew he was supposed to be part of our family. I am so glad things worked out the way they did. It's amazing to look back and see how things pieced together so perfectly for them. It is so wonderful to see Jocy to happy; she was the most beautiful bride and just glowed the entire day. Her wedding was absolutely gorgeous - my mom really outdid herself once again! Every moment of this day was perfect!

Flower girl busy running - always on the go!

As you can see my pictures aren't the greatest. I was busy chasing this cute little flower girl around the temple grounds.

Nothing quite like a fresh couple out of the temple. One of my favourite things to witness

The beautiful bridesmaids (with side-kick Renne). They looked perfect. 

Renne and gorgeous Bry

Poor Renne was so sick that day. She had a pretty rough go most of the day, but did really well considering. This picture just shows it all! 

The cake came together and didn't topple over! Wahoo! That is seriously my biggest fear. Once the cake is finished, that's just the beginning of my worry! I have visions of it falling in my sleep until it's cut and served at the wedding. Since we had so much to do for the backyard wedding, I made it a few days early, so I got to envision it falling over for three nights ;) But all was well. Making it was really fun! I love seeing things come together. It took a really long time to piece each of the ruffles, and allow them to dry. I had my doubts a few times during the process, but of course Tim is always there telling me it looks awesome - even if it doesn't! Joc loved it, so I was happy with the finished product too. I used real roses and love the subtle colour of them. 

Dance Party!

Fun Times at the Lake

We got to spend some really great quality time at my parent's cabin in Montana this summer. Here are just a few highlights and pictures.

Family Time at the Cabin

Renne and Daddy!

It's so awesome that we are 5 hours closer to the cabin now, and Tim can easily come down on the weekend and join us. We are so lucky to have a place to go as a family. 

Renne and Grandpa

My Dad is so patient and sweet with Renne. He would take his time showing her the boat and the water, holding her hand and narrating everything he was doing. She loves to be his shadow and pouts when he isn't paying attention to her. Spoiled girl!

Family picture

Such a typical Renne expression

Playing with uncle Dal and Lulu

I moments like this, my heart aches that she has to get bigger

Boat fun!

Renne loved boat rides. She thought it was so fun to watch everyone get behind the boat. The water was a little chilly for her, but she was a pretty good sport about swimming.

I adore this picture of Renne and her Auntie Bee

Renne's first "surf" ride

I don't have any great pictures of it unfortunately, but we took Renne tubing a few times and it was adorable. I don't think she really processed what was happening, but she kept making her baby sign for "water" and pointing at the lake, so she definitely got that part of it ;)

July 4 Parade

trying to get a family picture

I love this picture of my parents haha cool hat Dad

I love this concerned face 

Can't wait for more memories next Summer!

Things have changed

I'm sitting here at the cabin where I usually watch the sunset and drink lemonade while reading or visiting with my family. I have so many carefree memories of the lake where I can unwind, get plenty of rest and play all day. Instead I'm listening to my Renne scream for three hours desperately  trying to get her to sleep. I'm not talking "crying" screaming, I'm talking full throttle high pitched, ear piercing, glass shattering screaming. I'm laying here totally helpless, out of  strength and ideas and feeling like a failure as all I can do is try to lie still because if I move too much I'll make myself sick and have to throw up. Tonight is a bad pregnant sick night but is one of many that are some of my biggest battles. I can't decide if I'm starving or if my stomach is so sick that eating food will make me vomit. I'm exhausted from the last two nights of Renne waking up in the middle of the night and then way too early in the morning that I have to just sit on our bed and think of creative ways to keep her entertained until everyone else wakes up. I look like a total mess, I need to shower and am on the verge of breakdown. I shamefully ask Tim to please help me pick her up as I feel too fatigued to do so.

I think it's safe to say that things have definitely changed...

Vacations aren't exactly what they used to be. To say the least.

I write this not to have a pity party or to remember the bad times, but sometimes things get so tough that I feel completely defeated. I have no idea what to do in these moments and I'm not a fan of the "unsolved equation". I try to think of why we are forcing Renne to sleep in this insanely cramped space, when I start to remember all of the funny things she did today. She splashed away in her little baby pool and jabbered on and on at us about the fun she was having. She clapped for the dog when she fetched a stick from the water with the biggest smile on her face while shouting "Daw Daw!" She got to ride on a surf board with my sister and thought she had died and gone to heaven and she giggled while we played peek-a-boo with a towel. And we got to watch. I got to see her explore a new place with the most lovable innocence and genuine curiosity. I got to see her experience this place for the first time. That's why we are here. I remember now. It's easy to forget. And I just have her. What happens when the next one comes? And the next? Am I just not cut out for this?!

Tim tells me he's going to take her for a drive. We are at the last resort. It's so late now, we all need to sleep. I cry as he leaves not because I am sad but because I am hormonal, and his patience overwhelms me.  I am so grateful for him. I joke with him that I would be dead if I had to be pregnant and alone . Without him. My rock. Thanks doesn't really cut it, but thank you times infinity Tim. Try to remember the energetic, put together, normal person I usually am. Not this. If I had it my way, I'd be put in a cocoon and sleep for nine months until the baby came. No one would see me, time would freeze and I could just skip this. That sounds like heaven right now. I hate myself for thinking that. This isn't me. Who is this person?

Thank goodness  "tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it." That's one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies.  I know once I get some sleep I'll feel miraculous and new again. Plus, I'm already day dreaming about the pancakes I get to eat tomorrow....

Tim returns from the ride with a zonked baby. I love him so much in this moment,  it hurts. I hug him tight and all I can say is "you save me". We lay down and life is finally still.

Spring Update!

Well, we are all settled in at our new home, and couldn't be happier! We are loving our new routine here, and  are falling in love with every aspect about this change. The neighbourhood is great! So nice and quiet! Renne and I love seeing so many other kids and babies on our morning jogs/walks. It is so fun to see so many young families with kids the same age as Renne. I can't help but wonder how old they are, and maybe they will be at one of Renne's birthday parties in the future, or in one of your school classes! They are building a school just a block away from our house, which is a great plus for our location! Our church building is just down the street, so we love that we can walk to church if we want to! I am really enjoying our new ward already! Everyone has been so friendly and welcoming! It hasn't been a hard transition at all. We are so lucky to be part of church organizations that basically guarantee automatic friends!! It's pretty amazing to have support the second you move in. On moving day, 4 missionaries showed up on our door step ready to help move boxes! I was so thankful for that. Tim and I have moved all of our stuff alone before, so it is so nice to have help. We also had so much family and friends come to help us too!! It made it very easy. Wahoo!

Spring has finally arrived, even if the weather is hit and miss still, and Renne and I have loved getting out and enjoying the sunshine!! We love getting out of the house and our stroller is definitely getting used a bunch lately! We love the park just a few blocks away.  Renne really loves the slide and swing, but she is still learning rocks aren't candies. I am so thankful for the park, too! Renne is ultra-busy. She NEVER stops. She is so determined and focused, and she doesn't give up easily. The park is a wonderful break from the chase!  ;)

A quick Renne update: Renne hasn't been sick for a few weeks now, hooray!!! She is loving her new house, and has explored every inch of it! It took a few days for her to get adjusted, and she kept looking around for Grandma, Marin, and her favourite - Grandpa! Renne is obsessed with my Dad. It's actually ridiculous. She clings to him like crazy, and fake cries when he isn't paying attention to her!! Spoiled girl alert! She has quite the personality, and it shines through more and more everyday. She thinks everyone is chasing after her, and giggles constantly anytime someone walks towards her, haha. She is definitely not shy, but every so often she will still play strange. She is a thrill seeker!!! She tries to throw herself over the edge of things, because she thinks its the best time ever! Talk about supervision required. The other day she was climbing on top of the treadmill and sliding down the front (made a slide for herself). She's always looking for things to open, and throw and climb on. She's not walking yet, but we are encouraging her and she likes walking and holding our hand(s). She's so tall, and I think that makes it harder for her to balance on her own.  She is stubborn, and I already know things have to be her idea, so she will walk when she is ready. She is going to be 15 months old in just a few weeks!! I can't believe in 3 months she will be in nursery - I am actually already excited for her because I know she is going to love it, and I miss being able to listen in Relief Society! Church is "fun" to say the least. She is extremely vocal, and loves to squeal, I mean, she's clearly singing, but it's not appreciated by all present, so we have to take our party elsewhere.

Tim update: Tim is loving his job at AGI. The company has been really good to him, and we are so happy with it. He is quite relieved to have a shorter commute from the new house. Only 15 min now! He doesn't have to wake up at 5:30 anymore, only 6:00 so wahoo! We are still usually in bed by 10:00, such party animals! He is really excited for our up-coming projects we are planning this spring! We are going to build our deck, do the front landscaping, potentially build the fence, and many other furniture building/painting projects! We love doing projects together, and I so appreciate his willingness to try things and always help me. He loves keeping busy with things, and we are a great team. That's one of the things I love most about us. He is also enjoying the new house, and loves that no one is living with, above or below us! (Up until now, we have always lived under, below or with a member of my family) and we LOVE family, but we are enjoying the privacy and the quiet :)

Ashton update: I am loving spending days with my hilarious one-year-old! She definitely keeps me on my toes!! We have so much fun. Some days I find it really difficult to keep her "busy", and so we often escape to the park. I am so excited because we have 3 playdates this week!!! Haha. Its the little things. I am really enjoying subbing in Coaldale, Taber and Barnwell lately! I've been doing 1-2 days a week. It's been awesome to get out and be a teacher for a day! Renne doesn't seem to mind going to Grandmas, and I have a new friend in Copperwood ward who has a dayhome and has taken her a few times for me! What a blessing! Subbing is the best! I don't have the stress load of planning and marking, but I still get the reward of being with the kids. It's hardly even work. Kids are so awesome. We have so much to learn from them. I subbed in Kindergarten this week, and we were making a Lorax craft, and a little girl turns to me and says "I love gingerbread men!" haha. I said, "Actually sweetheart, this is a Lorax, you know, the story we just read?" haha I love how innocent and clueless they are! It's so sweet. They, also, keep me on my toes! I had a boy ask me yesterday "Mrs. Whidden, do people call you Mrs. Widow?" I don't really know what he meant, but it may have offended me just a little ;) Oh, and as a sub you always get asked, without fail, how old you are. My classic response is always, "how old do you think I am?" My favourite answers are, 33 and 16. Close guys, close. :)

Well, that's really all we have for now! It's been a really great month!! Oh, and my sister Jocelyn is getting hitched!!!! I am so so so happy for her and Eric they are an amazing couple and our family is so excited for another brother! Congrats guys!! I love weddings.

I don't any great pics to post, but I do have this hilarious video of Renne eating a cream puff for your viewing pleasure. :)

Tell Me Why

The last month has been rough on my poor little Renne. She's had 3 colds, several fevers, and caught a really awful virus that had us extremely worried. She was completely zoned out for a few solid days, moaning and crying, and if you any of you know Renne, she is always on the go, so we knew it was serious. Surprisingly, when we took her for an x-ray to see if she had pneumonia, the doctor told us that she had a broken collar bone!! You can imagine the horror, guilt, and heart break I was feeling at that moment. It was awful. It had been broken for an entire week, and we had no idea. It was bizarre, because she definitely showed no signs it was broken. When we poked around her arm, she wouldn't even flinch or react. She had had a small tumble down the stairs, but we saw her land, and she was completely fine after crying for just a few minutes. Sidenote: I have also broken several bones in the lamest ways as a young girl. I broke my collar bone 3 times, my arm once, fractured my tailbone and my ankle. Sorry Renne! Anyway, once I realized she wasn't in much pain, but probably just discomfort, I was able to accept the fact that she broke a bone, at the tender age of 1, while under my watch and care. It took a lot of convincing from Tim that I am not an awful mother. You mothers who have felt this guilt, know exactly what I am talking about. "Make sure you don't throw her down the stairs anymore, Ashton" said my Grandma. Haha, ok, I'll try not to next time. (sick empty feeling in my stomach). confessions of an unfit mother? Ok, enough with the pity party…

I know kids get hurt, and we can't control it always. However, the guilt we feel as mothers stems deeper than just this. It comes from every time they hit or throw a tantrum, and every time you have to say, "No, she's not walking yet" when people ask. You feel it after each time you tell yourself you need a break. How could you ever want to take a break from the most important thing in the world?? And it's not just guilt. It's an amazing, overwhelming love that aches inside when you look at your baby and think, She's mine. i am her guide. I am the one responsible for her entire life. Those are major, BIG thoughts. And they are wonderful, but also terrifying. I pray all the time to be the best mom for Renne. To love her exactly how she needs to be loved. He did send her to me, after all. He trusts me, and that helps me trust myself. Sometimes I have no idea what I am doing, and I really hate that feeling, but it is all part of the journey. Every time I tell her,"I'm trying to help you" "Just wait, this will be over soon" or "No, that will hurt you, stay away from there", I can hear Heavenly Father's voice. It's amazing what I learn about him through talking to her.

This reminds me of my favourite song I sing to Renne most nights. It's a Low family favourite called Tell Me Why. We always used to sing it around the campfire and at family reunions. It might not sound like a love song, but I love it so much I had some of my cousins sing it at our wedding. To me, the songs means we don't know all the answers to our questions, the whys to God's plan for us. But we know he created this world, he created each of us and so we need to trust him. The last verse always helps me know that no matter how many bones Renne may break, I can love her the best.

Tell me why the ivy twines

Tell me why the stars do shine

Tell my why the sky's so blue

And I will tell you just why I love you

Because God made the ivy twine

Because God made the stars to shine

Because God made the sky so blue

Because God made you, that's why I love you

I really think that dear God above

Created you just for me to love

He picked you out from all the rest

Because he knew that i'd love you the best.