Our month of sickness

I've been meaning to journal/blog about our time in the hospital with Addie as I felt so many tender mercies during our time there. I never want to forget how much this experience impacted me. I have so many thoughts and feelings so hopefully I can be somewhat concise...

The morning my little Addie turned "one month old" she had a high fever. She had had one the morning before, so I called my dad (when don't i phone him?) and told him it had been two days with a fever. He told me to take her to see the Dr. since high temps for newborns are not treated lightly. I wasn't worried, as I was certain she just had a cold, (the same one Renne had) and I drove out to Coaldale just as a precautionary thing. He examined her, told me he wasn't that worried, she looked great, but that proper procedure was to have a paediatrician look at her. I was so annoyed. I have to drive to the hospital? It felt like we had just escaped from there, and I was convinced they would laugh and tell me she was fine. Good thing we have doctors who clearly know more than me...

"She looks great", the paediatrician told me. "I don't think we need to admit you" (Duh) "but we will do some tests just to see where her levels are at."Annoyed. again. I should probably clarify that Addie's fever at this point was brought down significantly by giving her tylenol/advil and she was snuffly and really stuffed up, but still eating great and acting completely normal. "I'll be back in a few hours". Great, please hurry. I'm hungry. All I could think about was how uncomfortable the chair was I was sitting in, and how bored I was waiting for her to come back and finally let us go. Since my phone was dead, I literally just sat there staring at my content sweet Addie as she slept her worries away. I used the hospital phone to call Tim and told him to grab Renne from my parents and that I would meet up with them later for supper.

"Well, her blood sample came back a bit questionable" What does that mean? "I hate to say this, but you're going to need to stay" Umm what? I've got another kid at home. My dad's a doctor, WE ARE FINE. I couldn't figure out the logic behind it, but the doctor did a great job explaining all of the numbers and what they mean, but I was still confused. Was she actually sick? But, i wash my hands…? #rookiemom

After the initial shock, that first night was totally fine. I wasn't thrilled to be back in a hospital, but what's one night, right? Addie was still her normal self, and I told myself we would be home with Renne by morning. My wonderful mother made Tim and Renne dinner and took great care of them. Timmy brought me some food and kept me company for a while. He and my cousin Aaron gave her a blessing, and I couldn't help but start to feel a bit worried. 

The first night. Sleepy little bug. She looked so teeny in that massive crib with crazy high walls. It was like a prison cell.

The next morning Addie was starting to get fussy, and wasn't eating very well. As the day went on, I knew something was wrong. My dad actually, was the one who let me know that her swab came back RSV positive. I knew that RSV was a virus that was fairly common, but the nurses told me that for a baby so little, it can be scary. I cannot even tell you how humbled I was in that moment. I felt awful that I hadn't been more concerned, and I started to think maybe we weren't going home. I noticed that her nasty goop was oozing out of her right ear and it looked awful and crusty! I mentioned it to the doctor and she checked her ears right away. Sure enough her ear was bulging and bright bright red. She said it was very uncommon for such a little baby to have an ear infection, and we started antibiotics right away. Giving a newborn 5 ml of antibiotics is a serious challenge!

As that second night went on, I could tell Addison was getting very sick. She is normally so calm and content  and she was starting to SCREAM and stopped eating almost entirely. I could tell nursing her was really painful for her, and her eyes started to get all red and puffy. She was breathing quickly, and around 10 pm the nurses came in and put her on oxygen. I think it was the visual of them hooking her up to that teeny tiny little oxygen tube. It broke my heart right in half. I started to crumble, I just broke down and balled after the nurse left the room. Everything really started to overwhelm me. I felt helpless, powerless, desperate, and so so so guilty. I couldn't bear the fact that my one month old needed to be hospitalized. Since this ordeal, I have realized that this happens to many babies and toddlers, and it has nothing to do with your capability as a mother, but of course in that moment I blamed myself. I hated that I couldn't help her. 

Seriously though, how stinking cute is this little patient? That teeny tube about killed me! She was such a trooper, you could hardly tell she was sick! We had nurses fighting over who got to take care of her. She was the favourite on the floor :)

What a difference! I felt so relieved when she started to look bright eyed again! She is such a strong girl. I am so lucky to be her mom. Plus, I know i'm biased but I tell Tim a hundred times a day how gorgeous I think she is. She takes my breath away with that adorable face.

I was so humbled by all of the texts, phone calls, meals, cards, prayers, messages, emails we received. We felt so supported by family and friends and our amazing ward. I literally could feel the prayers helping me get through those long days and those tough nights of getting hardly any sleep. At the Lethbridge hospital they have these awesomeFUL chairs that recline into a very uncomfortable cot, and i swear my back still is a bit sore from sleeping on it for a week, but I was surprisingly "at home" there by the end of the week. I had a nice little set up complete with never ending kleenexs (of course our entire family had RSV and it was a doosy for Tim, Renne and I), ice water, blankets and pillows, and my book. I knew pretty much every nurses' name on the floor, and what shift they worked. I knew how to help myself to all the linens and supplies. I knew which secret bathroom to hit up since there was only one bathroom for all of the parents on the PEDS floor. I got into a rhythm and by the end of the week I realized just how fine it was to be in a hospital. Where there is never ending support and help and supplies!! Those nurses were my heroes and were so so great with Addie. I can still remember most of their names. We had a great time chatting, and I am forever grateful to them for taking care of my baby.

By day 5 the doctors were starting to tell us that it could take a while for Addison to be able to breath on her own. Her little body was just not recovering very quickly. She looked and acted totally like herself, but she was still dipping to dangerous levels especially overnight. That was really hard news to hear, but I knew that we would be ok, and we were exactly where we needed to be. Tim was starting to get discouraged at this point, and when Tim gets down, you know things must be hard. He was amazing during those days. He took off a day and half, but had to go back to work, so my mom took care of Renne in Coaldale, and Tim would go and see her right after work. He made sure to bring her to see Addie and I, and brought her home so she could be there for a while. He would come to the hospital and I would pump and leave him with a bottle so I could run home, shower, lay in my bed for half an hour and spend some time with my sweet Renne. That was by far the hardest part was being away from her. I'm still tearing up thinking about it. This whole thing really freaked her out. She understood that Addie was sick, and that she needed to stay in the hospital, but she was so distraught that I had to leave. I can remember my parents literally prying her off of me while I left her to go back to the hospital. I could here her screaming in the background for me. One night I just started sobbing on my mom's shoulder like a pathetic little girl. Its in those moments that we are really shaped and changed. I am so so grateful for normalcy. For simple, completely mundane days just at home with me and the kids. What a blessing to have healthy children! It sounds cliche, but this whole experience really changed me. Changed me for the better. And it pushed Tim and I to our limits. I haven't had such earnest, open prayers in a really long time. I have never been able to be so strong. 

I was super bummed that Tim and I missed out on our Valentine's date we had planned. We were going to go to this couples Ball that our Stake puts on. I was so looking forward to getting dressed up and having a night out together complete with a dance and yummy food! We hadn't been in the same room for more than an hour all week. My wonderful sister and her husband Eric offered to watch the kids so Tim and I could have a quick hour to ourselves. Eric stayed at the hospital with Addie and Jocy took Renne to the park. Tim and I went to Earls and had a chance to talk and relax. It was so nice.

What a tender mercy that the day we got to come home was Family Day. I know someone is watching out for my family when "coincidences" like that happen. We were so thankful to go home and we just snuggled and played and watched our two treasures interact.

I love this picture! This about sums up their relationship. Renne laughing hysterically at Addie, and Addie staring back at her like "please don't throw me" haha. Nothing better.

Mom, this kid is squishing me!!

Addison is a remarkable baby. She was so sweet and endured the past month so very well. I am one grateful mama! She is still recovering from both the RSV and the hand foot and mouth disease her and Renne caught just a week later. Yup. It just didn't end… Since October Renne has had bronchitis, pneumonia, 2 GI flus, 3 colds, RSV, hand foot and mouth, and 2 ear infections. I am SO DONE with sickness for a while. I have never been more excited for spring to come! Addie had a horrible rash all over her head, face and chest from the hand foot and mouth. She was a bit grouchy, but seriously handled it like such a champ. Renne had itchy sores on her hands and feet, but it was fairly minor. Tim and I, along with my entire family, also caught "hand foot and mouth" which manifested as a really bad sore throat, fever and head ache. The entire clan just couldn't seem to catch a break. My little sister Marin refused to touch anything when she came over the other night. She says she's paranoid of germs. haha Oh boy!

But for the first time in months, I actually think Renne is 100% healthy. We are doing so well now. Things have (fingers crossed) finally settled down. I know that at the end of this all, we are stronger and are counting our blessings like never before.